
Questions have been floating to the surface recently in my journey of motherhood:
Should I accept an offer to teach a class in the fall?
Should I take a grad class in the fall?
If yes to either of those, what in the world do I do with Zora?
In my never-ending quest to get a break, I am considering supplementing formula on occasion: which kind? how much? how often? will she even take a bottle? should I use a sippy cup?
And while I"m trying to decide what to do about all this, I'm following my daughter around the house to see what she'll get into and decide where to set her boundaries, how to baby proof, and what is really disposable at baby-level.
After the hum of infancy where I existed in a haze of healing and getting settled with a newborn, I am now coming back into the world and feeling a clash and a little bit of whip lash.
A friend said last night, "You have been so positive about motherhood so far, I am glad to hear that you are a real person." She has three kids, for the record.
So I guess these growing pains are normal?
That's just what it is - growing pains. In a way, I would say that I feel called to be a mom; that God spoke to me a few years back and gave me the nudge to give this a go. If I didn't feel that deep sense of calling, these days would feel very bleak. But I do, so they're not.
But they're hard.
I knew, for the record, that my life would change drastically when I had a baby. But knowing and living are two different things entirely.
Every other role I've played in life - student, teacher, friend, daughter, writer, even wife - has compartments, and there are times when I would get a break from said role and step into another one for a while. It's not that way as a mom. Even when I get a break from Zora - like taking a shower or sleeping - I am still thinking about her, planning for her, listening for her...the mom role doesn't stop or give a real break.
So I guess what's happening is I am building my momming muscles up in my head right now. All this mental energy is wearing me out because I have always had substantial breaks in the past to let myself catch up. But now there are no breaks, and my head is tired - and I'm staring down years and years of this realizing that it's just going to keep going.
But I know I'll build those muscles. And I'll learn to make decisions about my own life, career, and gifts that fit with my new role of mom. I'll find social interactions that take me away from my life at home if even for a few hours, and I will come back refreshed. It's not the same as taking off to NYC for a week by myself, but I'm starting to realize that I need to re-set my standards a bit...re-set my expectations...and embrace this season.
Certainly that's what all of life is about - learning to embrace whatever season we are in. The Buddists do this well. We evangelicals, not so much (the rapture's great and all, but it does no good to learn to look forward if we don't see where we are in the present and accept and embrace it). Once again, I am learning to BE - just be where I am, in the space that I'm in.
There's a bit of grieving for the loss of my old life. And I need to grieve it a bit - it will help me move on. The great part about this process is that I love Zora - and I love everything about being a mom...the challenges of making decisions, getting on the floor and reading her a book, giggling with her, saying "mama" over and over and over and over in the hopes she'll say it back to me (which she did, yesterday!), celebrating her bitty milestones, and on and on. She's so much fun to hang out with, so that makes this process easier.
All in all, I wouldn't trade what I have right now for all the weekend trips to NYC (though if those came with free-reign of a credit card I didn't have to pay, I might think about it...okay, kidding), but I am doing some adjusting right now.
For now, I'll make silly faces all day long at my daughter in hopes of a laugh, and I will call my life "good."